The Art Of Sincere Apology

When you are the one who has made a big mistake or gone back on your word, it can be really challenging to face it and say “Yes, I screwed up, but now I really want to move on.  How can I make it up to you?”  Because the truth is that we want to go on like nothing happened.  We want to be forgiven without having to ask for it.  We want the sun to smile down and say “Of course it’s okay, you don’t need to say anything, we’ll all just pretend like it never happened.”  But it did happen, we did screw up, and the only way we are going to be able to move forward is by owning our mistake.  Ouch, I know it hurts, but think of how free you will feel once you fess up and apologize instead of harboring guilt as you walk through your life. 

The one that you hurt or offended deserves a sincere apology.  I’m not talking about a general ‘sorry for everything’ but rather, a specific sincere apology.  Apologizing can be one of the hardest things we ever have to do. Most of us are overly attached to our ego, and feel that the act of apologizing in some way jeopardizes it.  Apologizing can be extremely difficult, but it gets easier with practice. Eventually you can get to the point where you immediately recognize when you've hurt someone, and you can apologize quickly and sincerely.

Have you ever received an apology that felt more like an accusation that you were being too sensitive? Or have you offered a half hearted apology to someone when you felt they didn’t deserve it? Apologizing is an art and a sincere apology must include admitting responsibility for an offensive action and addressing the specific transgression.

When we were children and our parents made us apologize, we’d grunt out a forced ‘sorry’.  That was good enough so we learned that that’s all an apology needs to be.  We were taught wrong.  As adults, we need to master the art of the sincere apology.  It doesn’t matter if we are apologizing to a romantic partner, a friend, or family member.  Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of either no apology, or an insincere apology meant just to placate and smooth things over.  Apologies are the tool to acknowledge your wrong doing, the impact of what you did to the other, and promote healing for the one you hurt and the relationship. 

Learning how to properly apologize builds stronger, healthier relationships.  It can be difficult to swallow your pride and admit that you were wrong and to ask for forgiveness but that is exactly what you need to do.  Especially if you value the relationship with the person you have offended or hurt.  

A sincere apology is not about you so don’t make it about you.  Leave your ‘reasons’, justifications, or explanations about why you did what you did out of it.  You can always explain yourself later but for the purpose of a truly healing apology, keep your focus on the injured person and acknowledging the impact that they’ve suffered. 

Be specific.  Avoid a blanket apology of “I’m sorry for everything.” Instead, offer an apology of what you specifically did such as “I’m sorry for lying to you.”  When you are specific in your apology, the recipient is able to understand that you acknowledge the action that hurt or upset them. 

There are several key things to remember in giving a sincere apology.  I am going to list them for you.  As you read through them, think back to when you’ve apologized.  Have you validated the person you’ve injured or minimized them and defended yourself instead?

KEYS TO A SINCERE APOLOGY

• Don't use the apology as an opportunity to point out what the other person did wrong. If you go about it that way, you're missing the point entirely. And it will just make the other person even angrier and deepen the hurt that they feel.
• Before deciding the best way to make the apology, think through exactly what the mistake was, the impact on the other person and what you learned from the experience. How will you be different in the future?
• Consider in what way the other person was hurt and what reparation needs to be made. Was there physical damage or were the other person’s feelings hurt? Are others affected by the mistake? Is this the first time such a thing has happened or is it a repeat?
• Speak directly to the person you hurt. Find a time when he or she is willing to listen. Explain that you are sorry for what happened and that you understand why he or she is angry/sad/disappointed. Give him or her time to express her feelings. Don’t interrupt! You made the mistake and he or she deserves to tell you the impact. Ask if he or she can forgive you. Be prepared if they can’t.
• If the person is a relative or someone you are close to, a hug is a good way to finish the apology.
• Focus on the things you can control.  Apologies should never, ever take the form of ‘I’m sorry nothing I do is ever good enough’ or ‘I’m sorry you’re mad about this.’  Those statements are implicit denials of responsibility.

I’m going to give you some steps to follow in crafting your sincere apology.  Some of these might be a repeat of the keys talked about above, but they are important and need to be reiterated.

STEPS TO AN EFFECTIVE APOLOGY

Ok, so do you apologize effectively? It’s easy, right? You say, “I'm sorry.” You mean it. What else is there? Well, that's an apology, true. A good one for, say, stepping on someone’s toe, or forgetting to pick up the milk from the store. But what I'm talking about is how to apologize effectively about more complex things, so that the other person really hears your regret and you can both do your best to move on.

1. Take responsibility. If you're apologizing and you don't mean it, everyone can tell. Effective apologizing is not a “trick” you can use to spin your actions and win forgiveness without remorse. You have to mean it.
• Know what, exactly, your transgression is. Not what you feel most sorry about, but what hurt the other person or people involved the most. “I'm sorry I forgot to call and say I'd be late” is a much less effective apology than “I'm sorry I wasn't respectful of your time.”
• Don't make excuses. If you did it, own it. “I lied to you, and I never should have done that.” Even if there are real mitigating reasons or circumstances, now is probably not the time to bring them up, or if you have to, you should then return to what you did and reiterate your responsibility.
• “...I should never lie to you.”
2. Acknowledge the consequences of your actions. Even if you don't think your actions “should” provoke the reactions they do, this is an important step.
• Emotional consequences. “I know I make you frustrated with me.” “I didn't mean to make you worry.” “I can tell you're really angry at me right now.”
• Other consequences.  “I know you were waiting.”  “I know when I lie to you it makes it difficult for you to trust me.” “I realize when I break promises to you then you can’t count on me.”
3. Make it better. Clearly, this is easier for some transgressions than others. Some things you can, in fact, fix after the fact, and then the apology serves only to address the fact that they happened in the first place. Some things you can never, ever fix. What is important is that you do your best to try. A focus on preventing your mistake from happening in the future is frequently helpful, in addition to other fix-it efforts.
• Start with what you've done or can do “I've thought of several options that would go part-way toward fixing the situation, and here they are.”
• Ask what (else) you can do. “What can I do to help regain your trust?” “Can you think of something I can do to make sure this doesn't happen again?” “What would make you feel better about this whole situation?” “Was there a better way I could have said that?”

Those are the three most basic steps. Once you've got those, you can improvise a bit more, and negotiate, explain, or dialogue in addition to your apology, using the same basic structure.

• “I'm sorry I've made such a mess of this. I can see that it's making you miserable, but when I made my choices I wasn't aware of some really important facts. Now that I know, I can make better choices; let's work on our communication to make sure it doesn't happen again.”
• “I'm sorry I did that. I didn't know it would make you so angry, and I apologize. But I'm not sure I understand why you are so angry. Can we talk about this a little more so I can keep from doing that inadvertently in future?”
•  “I know you feel terrible when I do this, and I don’t want to make you feel terrible.  This is really important to me.  How can we compromise?

As long as you're still taking responsibility, acknowledging the consequences of your actions, and trying to make it better, you should still be able to craft an effective apology.

My tip to you is to apologize quickly and totally as soon as you are aware that you’ve offended or hurt the other person.  Most people will forgive you immediately because they care about you and value the relationship.  They just needed to have their hurt or offended feelings validated.  Others may need to have a bit of a discussion to make sure that their feelings are heard and validated.  You owe them this without interrupting them to defend yourself or getting angry.  However, sometimes you come across a person who simply refuses to accept your apology.  That is their right.  If the offense you’ve committed crosses their bottom line then they may decide that a future relationship with you is not for them.  Remember, an apology doesn’t just sweep everything under the rug or turn back the clock as if nothing happened.  It will, however, acknowledge the wrong-doing and it will show that you do see the impact it had on the other person.  Even if they are unable to accept your apology now does not mean that they won’t be able to at a later time.  Even if you believe that your apology will not be accepted, apologize anyway.  You will be a better person for it.

For more information or to schedule a complimentary session, please contact me at Deborah@LifehealingSolutions.com

or phone me at (970) 599-1109

Copyright 2009